Walking Away From What Breaks You

Donna R

Jul 7, 2016

3 min read

The pain was searing. The feelings ran deep. I was broken. I was half of a person and I didn't know how to keep my head above water. All the while, I had to keep living life, taking finals, and applying to jobs. I had to function when my heart could no longer function. It was one of the hardest times of my life. I'd been betrayed by someone, but more importantly, I had also been betrayed by myself. I would come to learn that one person can make all the difference. The one person I thought I was the closest to, the one person who I connected with the most, the one person who promised to be there, didn't stick around when I needed them.

I had been there before. I've had the feeling of rejection and abandonment by those I cared for, but this was different. This was more than personal. This was spiritual. This was at a soul level. We went from acquaintances, to friends, to more than friends, to the only people we'd talk to, to complete strangers. It was a roller coaster of emotions. Each time I'd reach out, I heard nothing. Each time I reached further, there was nothing to be found. The one person who was such a part of me at that point was suddenly gone and I had to pick up the pieces of the shattered soul.

I cycled through so many feelings, trying to find a reason, trying to hold on to anything that would keep me sane. I thought I had found my person. I thought that we would last the years. Even if it was just a friendship. I went from sadness, to anger, to blame, to denial, to anger again, and back again to sadness, to find the acceptance I had been searching for and here it is: there is no closure. It will never make any sense. I deserve to forgive, I deserve to forget, I deserve to move on, and I deserve someone who wouldn't leave me in my time of need. I no longer need answers, I just need to be free.

I'm done feeling like I need to get my point across. I'm finished with saying goodbyes. I just want to be in control of my own feelings, my own life, my own future. I don't want someone else dictating how I spend the rest of my life. I won't be defeated by something like that. I refuse to hold on to something or someone who won't bother to hold on to me. I will walk away from everything that breaks me and doesn't lift me higher.

And while things that hurt you can make you stronger, I don't want to be broken to the point where I never get back up. I don't want to be paralyzed by the what ifs. I'll the take the lessons and the scars and I will grow from them. I will come out of this better and wiser. I'll rise like a phoenix does. Much like the phoenix, I thought it was the end, but it was only the beginning. Walking away doesn't make you weak. It proves you have the strength to take care of yourself and the compassion to know when to stop clinging to what poisons you.

I don't like to talk publicly about what happened to me in that time and I've made it as vague as possible, but if my story can inspire others to let go of what's holding them back, then it's worth sharing. I believe pain is there for a reason. I hope my pain is your reason to let go of what's killing you. In the words of Taylor Swift, "Just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it." and honestly, I do still miss and care about this person. But, just like any addiction or drug, letting go of people who cause you nothing but pain is for the best. I'm void of any anger or regret, yet I am filled with courage to go on into a future that includes joy and treasures untold. Won't you join me?

The following playlist is a collection of songs that got me through this tough time.

Playlist for this post:

1. "Out Of The Woods"-Taylor Swift

2. "Wonderland"-Taylor Swift

3. "The Moment I Knew"-Taylor Swift

4. "Cold As You"-Taylor Swift

5. "I Knew You Were Trouble"-Taylor Swift

6. "White Horse"-Taylor Swift

7. "You're Not Sorry"-Taylor Swift

8. "The Story Of Us"-Taylor Swift

9. "All You Had To Do Was Stay"-Taylor Swift

10. "The Last Time"-Taylor Swift