Self-Destruction Is Involuntary
Self-destruction is the worst.
Most times, you never even see it coming until it's too far gone. It'll start slow and simple, like staying up later than you should despite the fact you have something important the next day. Then it escalates to over/under eating. Possibly, starving yourself for days. Next thing you know, you're sending horrible messages to those closest to you and you ruin any chance of redemption in the future.
You don't know how you got into this mess.
You don't know how you got here or how to stop it from going further. At some point, you think why bother at this point. You hate yourself now.
Funny thing is, the only reason you ever started down this road was because you hated yourself all along.
Your behaviors were tale tell signs of self-loathing.
We think hating ourselves is just shown solely in hateful actions like violence and verbal abuse. This is wrong. We do things like over eating because we hate ourselves. What do we do when we love ourselves? We put good things into our bodies. It's all so obvious, but it isn't.
Unless you are truly insightful, have a good friend or family member to notice the patterned behavior, or you completely hit rock bottom, you won't know that you're even spiraling. It's all subconscious and you want to change, but your brain makes sure you never do. Even with the best of intentions, self-destruction can find a way.
Now, this isn't to say that you shouldn't even try to change. It's just you're going to have to go about it differently. You'll need some help. You'll also need some humility. Behavioral change has to start within first before you can see external changes. Whether you realize it or not, your thoughts dictate your actions.
Keep track of what you were feeling and thinking while you did the action. There is first and foremost a thought. Unless you pay attention to it, it's hard to notice it happened at all. After this thought, a feeling is triggered. That trigger is what will cause you to react. How you react to most things is what will make up most of your life.
Example time! Let's say you decided to weigh yourself on the second day of your diet. Not much progress will be happening by then and your weight is bound to fluctuate so the outcome on the scale is to be taken with a grain of salt. However, you get on the scale, you see a number that is raised from the last time you weighed yourself, and you panic. You think to yourself, "this is hopeless! Why even bother? I'm so useless." Ok, that's the thought. Not a very true or forgiving thought. Next, you feel defeated, worthless, and depressed. Not great things to feel. Now, this is the big decision. Do you give up and dive into the nearest junk food and fulfill your self prophecy of never losing weight, OR do you use it as fuel to exercise and try harder today? How you'd react to this scenario will tell you a lot.
Now, replace this scenario with whatever you seem to be struggling with in life. Is what you want to have alluding you? Study your reactions when it doesn't go your way. Are you sabotaging your own growth?
As an advocate for mental health, I highly recommend going to talk with someone. It may take a while to find the right fit, but it is more than worth it.
The humility part comes in here.
I know many people who refuse to ask for help, me included. They think it's a sign of weakness or they have too much pride to let someone else solve their problems. I get it. While most people have to hit rock bottom to get to the point where they have no choice but to ask for help, you can start the process before you get to that point of no return. Your future self will thank you for it. It's been over two years since I sought out help and my life is so much better for it.
It's not a set and done process, but it's something you can use throughout your entire life. Your life won't reset over night, but like everything in life, it's a journey.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes I still have to question whether I'm doing something out of fear, self-hatred, or love. But, the fact that I know I have to question it makes all the difference. It's a choice now. It's not involuntary. I'd rather choose love over blind hatred any day.
If you want to explore this topic deeper, feel free to reach out to me or any other close source. Once you begin to be vocal about your struggle, it all gets easier from there. In addition, keep someone around to keep you in check. Someone that knows you. You may not be able to trust yourself in the beginning, but you'll get rid of that feeling as things develop.
Remember, you're not alone in this, and you can come out the other side with a fuller life. What you do next matters. Actively choose because you don't need to be a victim anymore.
Not here, not now, not ever.
Comments